Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Top Five Songs Madonna Should Retire

1. Music - Don't get us wrong. We love Music. It was a huge hit for Madge in 2000 and is the soundtrack to a plethora of fun clubbing memories. However, between the past three tours and Live 8's bludgeoning of its chorus (rivaling Hung Up's excruciatingly drawn-out exit during the Confessions Tour for biggest song-killer), Music is angling to become the next tired, overused trademark song. Having a workhorse tune is cute in an Eagles-do-"Hotel California" kind of way, yes, but why would She want to be saddled with another song She is expected - no, required! - to perform? Speaking of trademark songs ....

2. Holiday - Yup, we were all getting tired of this 1983 breakthrough/bar mitzvah staple, too. Was it missed on the Confessions Tour? Sure. Will we get over it? Certainly. She moves on, and we must follow. Let sleeping dogs lie. Note to M: Save Holiday for Your inevitable Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction in a couple of years ... and then put it back into the mothballs until Lourdes asks to record it for Her debut album.

3. La Isla Bonita - What, exactly, is the tipping point at which fans were duped into believing that this is one of Madonna's best songs? As it insidiously worked its way into nearly all of Her concert setlists, albeit new-fangled with different, disingenuously Latin-flavored tweaks, La Isla finally hit its nadir: an embarrassingly literal-minded video and flat delivery on the Confessions Tour. Basta!

4. Material Girl - Okay, it was a highlight of Re-Invention. Not because everyone in the crowd, young or old, knew every lyric. No, it was a delight because Madonna took everyone by surprise for performing a song She swore up and down that She'd never sing again. The bone has been thrown, and we should forever be content that the Material Girl fleetingly recaptured and owned Her tabloid moniker. If Madge belts this out during a cabaret act when She's sixty, we'll go postal.

5. Nobody Knows Me - Speaking of the triumphant Re-Invention - which, in case you've been ignoring the hushed scuttlebutt, still persists as many people's favorite recent Madonna tour - the revelatory performance of Nobody Knows Me should preclude Her from ever attempting to top it. Forever.

Lest cynicism prevail, to be continued with the Top Five Songs Madonna Should Resurrect.

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